IT’S UNSEEMLY (& NOT EASY), BEIN’ GREEN

A snapshot of New Zealand’s former environmental political party

In May 2022, the Green Party of Aotearoa New Zealand changed its rules to require one of its co-leaders to be female and the other to be “of any gender”, with one of them needing to have Maori ancestry. The Greens’ co-leaders are currently Chlöe Swarbrick and Marama Davidson, who between them appear to tick the boxes.

It’s devilishly difficult to keep abreast of the rapidly shifting Greens. My Greens snippets must therefore be snappy, because new weeds sprout fast and furious in the Greens’ rambling garden. Here goes…

Chlöe Swarbrick

Chlöe took over from James Shaw as Greens co-leader in May 2024, when James retired from politics to join Morrison & Co, the infrastructure management company that runs (NZX and ASX-listed) Infratil. James lied on his LinkedIn that he’d gained a Bachelor of Arts degree from Victoria University. He then went on to get an MSc (“Master of Science”) in sustainability and business leadership (whatever that means) from Britain’s Bath University School of Management. Because Bath Uni’s MSc is a post-graduate degree (i.e., one must generally have a prior University degree to get in), Shaw probably also lied to get into the Bath. What is Morrison & Co thinking?

But back to Chlöe. Chlöe feels she’s so bright she can Gaslight everyone by chanting “From the River to the Sea” - unsubtle code for eradicating Israel and all Israelis – while claiming that what she’s really advocating for is Middle East Peace. Chlöe’s such a smarty pants she’s self-diagnosed herself with ADHD, along with Wellington’s Greens Mayor Tory Whanau.

Marama Davidson

Co-leader Marama bolstered her notoriety when, in the course of protesting against a pro-women rally in Auckland’s Albert Park, she shouted (as then Minister for the Prevention of Family and Sexual Violence) “I know who causes violence in the world, it is white cis men [e.g., her then Greens co-leader James Shaw]. That is white cis men who cause violence in the world.”

Dimly realising she’d overstepped the mark, Marama then hurriedly padded up and tried to get hit by a motorbike (Harley Davidson?…boom). Marama later claimed in Parliament – in defence of her deranged comments – that she had been “still in shock” [from being hit by the phantom motorbike] when she let fly about non-brown men. Marama’s struggle to understand the real world clearly includes chronology.

Francisco Hernandez

Born in the Philippines, Francisco is a career student and politician. Like disastrous former Minister of Finance Grant Robertson, Francesco was head of the Otago University Student Association. Before replacing James Shaw in Parliament, Francesco worked on “sustainable waste usage” at the Climate Change Commission, and as chief climate change adviser to the Otago Regional Council.

Celia Wade-Brown

British-born Cis Celia was Wellington’s Mayor from 2010 until 2016, when the World Economic Forum recognized her as one its five “ground-breaking female Mayors”. She came into Parliament on the Greens ticket in January 2024 when Golriz Ghahraman resigned from Parliament after being convicted on multiple counts of shoplifting from high-end women’s clothing shops.

Despite pleading guilty, last month (October 2024) Golriz tried but failed to get the Court to discharge her without conviction (she wants to renew her legal career at the International Court of Justice). Golriz’s expressions of fashion include wearing a “keffiyeh” headscarf, in virtue-projecting solidarity with Palestinians and as a protest against Israel. She wore her keffiyeh in Parliament and in Court.

Lawrence Xu-Nan

Born in China, Lawrence came into Parliament in March 2024 following the death of former Green MP and Auckland Mayoral candidate Efeso Collins. Lawrence is proud that he’s homosexual and holds a doctorate in Egyptology from Auckland University. At least Lawrence doesn’t appear to be a Chinese spy.

Benjamin Doyle

Benjamin entered Parliament in October 2024 after the Greens removed Darleen Tana under the “Waka Jumping” legislation. One could be forgiven for thinking that Benjamin is conducting an elaborate parody of Wokery, but he’s smugly serious.

Benjamin identifies as non-binary, “takatāpui” (which in Benjamin’s case seems to mean gay) and “whaikaha” (disabled). He uses they/them pronouns. Entirely predictably, he was outspoken in his opposition to women’s rights activist Kellie-Jay Keen-Minshull (sobriquet “Posie Parker”) being allowed into New Zealand, claiming her followers are “neo-Nazi and white supremist”.

Darleen Tana’s exit from Parliament is a story in itself. In March 2024, the Greens suspended Darleen from the Green Party over allegations that her husband’s bicycle business had exploited its workers (the Greens are big on guilt by association). In July 2024, Darleen resigned from the Greens but, under New Zealand’s electoral laws, was entitled to remain in Parliament until – in October 2024 - the Greens got her booted out under the Waka Jumping laws. The Greens’ invocation of those laws against Darleen was mightily hypocritical given that, in 2020, they had supported their repeal. But the Greens have no problem being hypocritical, or almost anything else that normal people find untoward.  

Ricardo Menéndez March

Unlike Possie Parker, Ricardo MM finds no difficulties crossing national borders. While the rest of us were COVID locked-down, former Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern allowed Ricardo to fizz back and forth, at will, between Aotearoa and his country of birth, Mexico.  A self-described “true Marxist”, Ricardo came to New Zealand, a country he constantly maligns, from the Mexican city of Tijuana, a city with the second highest murder rate in the world.

Tamatha Paul

Tamatha is one of the few Greens MPs to win an electorate seat (Wellington Central). She entered Parliament from the Wellington City Council after the 2023 election, just in time to support Te Papa Museum’s inside-job vandalism of its display of the English language version of the Treaty of Waitangi.

Julie Anne Genter

This United States-born Greens MP relishes screaming at people she disagrees with, from point blank range. In August 2024 Parliament’s Privileges Committee found her in contempt of the House for screaming at National Party MP Matt Doocey in the debating chamber. (I’d also like to scream at Doocey, for not addressing New Zealand’s abuse of puberty blocking drugs.)  

Wellington Florist Laura Newcombe was on the receiving end of the Genter Scream over Wellington’s cycleways calamity. According to Newcombe, "She was very intimidating. She pulled out her phone, she put the phone camera right in my face and I was like 'Okay, you need to leave now' and then she started yelling and screaming over me that I didn't care about her kids cycling". 

What future for the Greens?

The dispassionate observer may be misled to believe, from the whirlwinds enveloping them, that the Greens are imploding or internally combusting or…something. But not so. About 10% of New Zealand voters continue to support the Greens. That’s one in ten adults of Aotearoa.

Quite why the Greens continue to enjoy such significant support is a mystery, given it’s a long time since the Greens have contributed anything to the only significant thing that Parliamentarians do – pass legislation. James Shaw stayed on a few months in Parliament to support inserting a new right into the New Zealand Bill of Rights Act - a right to sustainable environment; “Everyone has the right to a clean, healthy, and sustainable environment”. James’ ardent support fizzled to nothing, and there’s nothing on the horizon to indicate that the Greens will any time soon contribute to any improvement in New Zealand’s legislative landscape.

Let’s finish by letting Chlöe be Kermit, just for one day…

Greetings, Chlöe Swarbrick here
And today I'd like to tell you a little bit about the Party Green
Ah, do you know what's Green?
Well, I am for one thing, and my snog Nadine Walker is Green
And the pet I want is a dog, and that means I am Green
You see

It's not that easy bein' Green
Having to spend each day
Surrounded by thieves
When I think it could be nicer
Bein' with the wise and bold
Or people much more capable like that

It's not that easy bein' Green
It seems you blend in
With so many other odd and scary things
And people tend to run for cover
'Cause you're grossing them out
Like nasty green slime in the water
Or styes in your eyes

Now Green's the odour of poos
And Green is not cool or friendly like
And Green is now mad like we’re Loonies
Self-important with small brains, with gall that’s carefree

But Green is all there is to be
It could make you wonder why
But why wonder, why wonder?
I am Green and it'll do fine
It's beautiful and I think it's what I wanna be